The First Step to Meaningful Relationships
I used to think I was pretty good at relationships. I could read people, adapt to what they needed, keep the peace. But there was this nagging feeling that I was always performing—like I was the supporting actor in my own life story, constantly scanning the room to see what version of myself would work best.
Then I realized something that changed everything: I had never actually gotten to know myself.
We spend so much time learning how to connect with others—how to be a good friend, partner, colleague—but when’s the last time you sat with yourself without a distraction? When you asked what you actually wanted instead of what you thought you should want?
Intimacy with yourself means truly knowing who you are—your desires, boundaries, fears, quirks, and dreams—and embracing them without judgment. It’s the quiet confidence that comes from being your own safe place.
In the Somatica® Method, we see self-intimacy as the foundation for intimacy with others. When you understand your own emotional landscape, you can communicate it clearly. When you accept your body and your pleasure, you can share that joy. When you trust yourself, you can offer trust to someone else.
Here are a few ways to deepen intimacy with yourself:
Practice Presence – Spend time with your thoughts and sensations without trying to “fix” or distract from them. Breathwork, mindful touch, and body awareness exercises can help you connect with what’s happening inside.
Listen to Your Desires – Instead of asking, What should I want?, try asking, What do I truly want right now? Desire can be as small as a craving for fresh air or as big as a life-changing dream.
Honor Your Boundaries
Pay attention to moments when your body says no. Setting boundaries with yourself and others builds self-trust.
Celebrate Your Pleasure – Pleasure is not a luxury
It’s a connection to life itself. Find ways to bring small pleasures into your day, without guilt or justification.
Offer Yourself Compassion
Speak to yourself as you would to someone you love. Mistakes, doubts, and fears are part of being human; they don’t make you unworthy of love.
Here’s what I’ve noticed happens when people start building this relationship with themselves: they stop showing up to relationships from a place of desperation or fear of being alone. Instead, they show up because they want to—because they have something real to offer and they’re excited to see what someone else brings too.
They stop trying to be the perfect version of themselves and start being the actual version. And somehow, that’s when the deepest connections happen—when people can meet the real you instead of the performance you’ve been putting on.
The most attractive thing about a person isn’t their perfection; it’s their presence.
When you’re genuinely comfortable in your own skin, when you know and accept yourself, you create this incredible space where others feel safe to be real too.
So maybe the question isn’t “How do I find better relationships?” but “How do I become someone I actually want to spend time with?” Because once you figure that out, everything else starts to shift.